What Is I?
On the first day of my College Writing class I was very nervous. I wasn’t really sure what to expect, but I had heard from a friend that had taken a different 101 course that it was an overwhelming amount of writing with little feedback for improvement. I was afraid I wouldn’t fit in well because I’m not in college yet. I was even more afraid of people’s reaction to this if I told them. In my last semester class I was so afraid of someone finding out that I was still in high school that I even lied when they asked me about my major. But when I walked in the room that day my tensions eased when Marlen started talking. I’m almost sure he said ‘shit’ within the first five sentences he spoke. He seemed like a pretty cool guy, wearing jeans and a t-shirt. His language and apparel were certainly not what I had expected from a college professor, but they made me feel more comfortable in my surroundings.
I learned very quickly that in Marlen’s class there would be no lying about who I am, like I did last semsester. The first thing we read was a chapter called What is I? from the book Buddhism and the Art of Psychotherapy by Hayao Kawai, and then we had to write a blog enty answering the question. I Thought the question was worded strangely and wasn’t sure how to go about answering it. I wrote about what I knew was true, saying that, “I is a singular pronoun and the ninth letter in the English alphabet… I Includes but is not limited to my physical, mental, and emotional persons… Consequently, I also contains elements that one cannot be fully aware of.” I didn’t really discuss who I am in this blog entry because I didn’t think that was what the question was asking, and I didn’t want to do the first assignment wrong.
As Marlen was going over the syllabus, he explained that we would come back to this question by the end of the semester. He went on to explain that for our final paper we would be writing a ten-page paper called an autoethnography. While doing my research to find out more about autoethnography, I wrote in my blog that, “I am the subject of my own research. The assignment is to write about the experiences I’ve had, and reflect on my life experiences in relation to my culture.” In this paper I will examine all the blogs and essays that I have written over the course of this class. I will review what I wrote; explain why I wrote it, and discuss what my writing says about me.
During the second week of class I was told to find an image I feel strongly about, and bring it to class. The image I chose was a picure of a Claddagh ring. “The Claddagh is an Irish symbol that depicts two hands holding a heart with a crown on top. The hands are a symbol of friendship, the heart, a symbol of love, and the crown symbolizes loyalty.” Because I chose this as my image, it shows that I am proud and aware of my Irish heritage. Also, because the ring that I wear was a gift from my mom, this shows that my family is a very important part of my life.
The next assignment was to take the image that we had chosen, and develop a narritave essay about it that included the sense of vision. I decided that for my narritave I would compose a story about the origins of the claddagh ring, and I entitled this essay The Legand of the Claddagh. Since my mom had previously been to Ireland, I had gorgeous pictures to look at to help me develop the descriptions in my essay:
“The legend of the Claddagh ring begins on the sun-soaked, flat, stony shores of its namesake, a small village named Claddagh, just outside the City of Galway in Ireland. Cobble-stoned streets run through the village, past many thatched cottages, and to the harbor where fishing boats sit waiting, donning bright white sails.”
I decribed what Ireland looks like as much as I could to tie into my essay the sense of vision. I named my characters after the members of an Irish family that my family is great friends with. When my mom travelled to Ireland she stayed with this family, and they have been to the United States more than once to visit us. The children’s names are Katherine and Eoin, and their parent’s names are Mwerrin and Vinny. The characters in this essay also have traits related to vision:
“King Vince, known to his subjects as King Vinny, rules Claddagh. He has come to be known as ‘The Visible King’… He has dedicated himself to going out into his village and making himself known to his people. Vinny believes that he has to be loyal to his people, if he wants them to be loyal in return.”
To incorporate vision even more into this essay, I gave the character the idea to invent the claddagh ring through a vision he had one night when he was far away from home and his loved ones:
“During the night a vision comes to Prince Eoin. While he is dreaming of his dearly missed Katherine, Eoin sees his own hands holding her heart close to his, with his crown resting on top, as if to protect it.”
This essay on vision shows some of my more creative side. It also shows that I hold close to me my Irish heritage and its traditions. I plan on continuing the tradition that my mom started by passsing on my ring to my daughter someday. Since I couldn’t have my heritage without my family, it also shows that my family is also a very large part of who I am. The significances of the ring I wear shows that I value my friendships and loved ones, and that I am loyal to them.
The next sense we studied in class was the sense of taste. Taste is problaby one of my favorite senses because of its ability to be so enjoyable. During class one Friday we had blind taste tests. It was really awkward and scary to stand in front of the whole class with my mouth open and eyes closed. I’m glad I did though, because what I tasted that day gave me inspiration for my essay on taste that I titled Orange Slices. The assignment for this essay was simply to write a descriptive essay about the sense of taste. I decided to use simile in my essay to better discribe the taste of the orange slice and compare it to the simple bliss of the beach.
“The first thing to hit my tongue was the gritty outside layer of the food. The texture of the first layer felt like I left my mouth open on the beach as the salty breeze floated by, and airborne particles of grimy sand planted themselves there.”
In this essay I related each flavor, texture, and layer of the candy to a different aspect of the beach. I wrote about my initial reactions to the candy and how it made me feel as I ate it. I even discussed the tangy after taste of the orange slice.
“As I bit down, my teeth sunk slowly through the thick candy as a warm juicy burst of flavor erupted to fill every corner of my mouth, like a long tumbling wave releasing its energy as it finally comes crashing down on the unsuspecting shore. I could taste the sun in the balmy orange flavor of the candy… The texture was as heavy and thick as the humid evening air on the coast, but it was also smooth and wet as the tops of the jellyfish… The candy stuck itself in the most awkward spaces in my mouth, my tongue unable to rescue it, like the sand that buries itself in the most inappropriate spaces of my bikini, after a nice swim in the warm ocean water.”
Looking back, my taste essay is definitely towards the top of my list of favorite pieces of writings. I think I like it so much because I wrote about the beach, which is a place I really enjoy spending time at. I like the descriptive language that I used to express the flavor that I tasted. As I read over the essay once more, I like the slow-motion effect it has. I wrote it in such a way that I was very descriptive of each part of the orance slice. This essay obviouly shows that I love spending time at the beach. I love the heavy air in the evenings and the often intolerable rays of hot sun in the late morning. When I go to the beach, I always go with my family, and we always have a fun and relaxing time together. I will always take a vacation when I can get it, and I never mind being lazy when I know that I can afford to. I’m noticing that I usually write about thing I like, enjoy, and am knowledgeable about. I like to think about things that make me happy, so it’s no surprise that the beach was included in this essay. I only have fond memories of times spent with family and friends at the beach, so it can be added to the long list of things that I love.
The next sense that I examined was the sense of smell. My initial reaction to the study of this sense was that I could take it or leave it, but that I could, no doubt, live without it. Once I started writing more about this sense and finding sources to use in my blog entry and essay, my feelings about the sense of smell changed. I realized that the sense of smell had many valid uses and purposes.
“Sometimes though, I take my sense of smell for granted. For example, I got a cold yesterday and haven’t really been hungry and whatever I decide to eat just doesn’t taste good at all. This is because my nose is all stuffed up and “our sense of smell is responsible for about 80% of what we taste.” (Sense of Smell Institute) Therefore, whatever I eat seems pretty much bland and tasteless…I found another very valid reason to smell bad things. “The sense of smell often serves as a first warning signal, alerting us to the smoke of a fire or the odor of a natural gas leak and dangerous fumes.” (NIDCD) So I guess our ability to sniff out those bad odors can be very beneficial and in some cases, could even save lives”(Ribblett)
That Friday during class we did smell tests, and mostly everyone brought in some sort of perfume or cologne. It was very easy to tell the difference between scents worn by men and scents worn by women. Once I finally relized all the wonderful affects of the sense of smell, it wasn’t hard to pick a topic for my essay. The assignment was to write an expository essay, so I decided to write about a wonderfully scented lotion that I wear everyday and could not live without. The lotion is called Energize by Victoria’s secret, and it’s scented with verbena and mint.
“When I twist and lift the lid off of the jar, a cool, fresh, minty citrus scent drifts up towards my nose. It smells like the first rays of sunshine in the early morning that begin to evaporate the dew drops on the grass. I first began using this product during the summer so when I put it on each morning it reminds me of those carefree summer mornings when I don’t have a thing to be responsible for or worry about… Scented with the tantalizing essence of verbena and mint, the lotion tempts me with the oppurtunities filling the day ahead, but that are still out of reach. Somehow, its smell does stimulate my senses and actually is energizing. Inhaling deeply the smooth scent of the lotion gives me a surge of inspiration to get up and face the day.”
In my opinion this was one of my better essays because it was well planned and put together. The use of this lotion is part of my daily routine and has become a habit because of how much I like it. This shows that I am somewhat a creature of habit, and like to have a planned routine. This isn’t to say that I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I didn’t have a schedule or routine, but I do go through the same process every morning in the same order when I get. Specifically, I like the lotion because it’s scent is motivating. It gives me a relaxed yet stimulated feeling that I crave. It is motivating yet calming, which gives me a breath of optimism to start my day. This shows that I am a driven individual, and I like to get as much as I can accomplished without feeling stressed or overwhelmed.
The fourth sense I studied and wrote about was the sense of touch. When I first started considering the sense of touch and writing about it, I was only thinking about physical touch. When I did some more reading and thinking I realized that my emotions can be considered part of my sense of touch. The assignment for the fourth essay was to write using an essay style that I hadn’t tried yet. When I first got the assignment, I had no idea what style I was going to use or what I was going to write about. I knew I wanted to write about dancing, but I wasn’t sure how to do it. The Friday before this essay was due, I was faced with a situation that I knew I could write about. I don’t want to get into the details of this situation, but I’ll say that it involved my boyfriend, alcohol, and another girl. While it wasn’t as dreadful as I had originally expected, I was still deeply hurt by what was said and done. The next morning I realized I had a perfect topic for a compare and contrast essay.
“The worst feelings I’ve ever had was when I was hurt by someone I love, which made me feel angry and disheartened. In contrast, I feel my best when I can express my emotions through dancing. When I dance I feel strong, confident and carefree. Because dancing brings out desireable emotions such as cheeriness and pleasure, I often use it to relax very different, contrasting emotions of hopelessness and distress.”
In the first part of the essay, I described the feeling I had when I was hurt and betrayed by someone I love.
“My emotions were spinning out of control, and I could barely think straight enough to figure out what they were. At the time I was feeling so lost and confused, sad, let down, incredibly disappointed, and of course mad as Hell. I couldn’t even find words to express all of these feelings that I had welling up inside of me. Some of them were released in the countless number of tears I cried, but most of them stayed inside of me torturing my heart.”
I think that the reason I was hurt so badly, and was feeling all of these terrible emotions was because of how deeply I care about the person who hurt me. He is my boyfriend of two years, and someone that I have shared so many good times and memories with. If I didn’t care so much about him, I wouldn’t have been so hurt. I feel the most complete opposite of these emotions when I’m dancing.
“When I dance, my feet fly me away to a place all my own, where nothing can go wrong. I love to feel the music in me, and my calloused toes against the smooth hardwood. There are times I feel pain as my shoes rub my feet into raw blisters, or I stretch my muscles past their limit… It’s the perfect detox to rid my body of overwhelming stress and any other negative feelings. Martha Graham, the founder of modern dance said it best, “Movement never lies. It is a barometer telling the state of the soul’s weather to all who can read it” (Quote Garden.com). When I dance I feel carefree, larger than life, exhilarated, and completely empowered and beautiful. Dancing is my short-cut to happiness.”
Dancing is my very favorite thing to do, because of the emotions that come from it. I have been dancing from the time I was very young, and it has always been a positive aspect of my life. I made my best friends in dance class. My teacher is so much more than just a teacher; she has been an inspiration to me as well as a confidante. For these reasons, dancing is completely enjoyable for me. It is also a way for me to express myself, something that I believe is very important for everyone to be able to do.
The last sense I examined was the sense of hearing. The assignment was to choose another essay style that I hadn’t tried yet, and develop an essay about the sense of hearing. I used the blog entry assignment for this week as pre-writing for my essay. When I went back over the blog, I noticed that parts of it would work well as a cause and effect essay. I decided to describe the actual process of hearing, the process of hearing loss, and the process that allows me to keep my balance. I’m noticing that toward the end of this course, I began to write about events or situations that actually happened to me. This essay started out as the description of an experience in which the sense of hearing may possibly have saved my life.
“When I turned my head to look I saw deer running full speed right into the lane of traffic we were traveling in. I gasped so hard my lungs couldn’t take in another molecule of air. I tried so hard just to utter the only word I could think of to say, ’deer’ but it seemed burried at the depths of my vocal chords.”
After I described this situation, I did some research and went on to explain how the process of hearing actually happens. I described the different parts of the ear and their functions. I went on to explain the ways that hearing can be lost or decreased.
“It would be so unfortunate to be deprived of the sense of hearing. As I grow older, my sense of hearing will naturally decrease in effectiveness. Some people are born deaf, or loose their hearing due to illness. Another way I could lose my hearing or have poor hearing is from consistantly listening to extremely loud noises.”
I wrote about my uncle in this paragraph of my essay because I have witnessed the effects that hearing loss has had on him. Because he works in a Harley Davidson factory, he went hard of hearing at young age. Seeing what he has gone through and continues to struggle with makes me want to be sure I do everything in my power to protect my hearing. The last paragraph in my hearing essay explains how one of the roles of the ear is to help maintain a sense of balance. I explained why balance is important to me personally.
There are canals in my ears that are full of liquid, and the liquid moves as I move my head. It then pushes against nerve endings which send messages to my brain and tell it how my body is moving (Your sense of hearing)… I had a dancing role in the musical at my high school this weekend. The show was the Wizard of Oz, and for the tornado scence all of the dancers had to do chaines across the stage. The move is just a basic spin, and with a technique called spotting its not difficult to execute. Spotting is used while turning to prevent dizziness. Usually I find something to keep my eyes on in the direction that I’m going, and as I turn I snap my head around so I’m always looking at that object. But on a dim stage with flashing, colored lights it’s nearly impossible to find anything backstage to spot. Because of this I chained into the black curtain almost everytime, and had to sit down as soon as I got off stage to nurse my spinning head. I never really thought about how important this liquid in my ear really is, but without it I wouldn’t even be able to walk, let alone dance, something I enjoy so much.
I’m finding once again that dancing is a common theme in yet another one of my essays. Overall, this essay shows that I care about my family, and have a passion for dance. It also shows that I have a respect for my body and the amazing functions it performs that I often take for granted. I want to take good care of my body, so that all of my senses stay keen and sharp for the rest of my life. I couldn’t imagine life without any one of my senses.
I have learned more than I thought I would by going through the autoethnographic process. The first thing I noticed about my writing is that I always write about something that I know alot about, enjoy doing, or something that is important to me. Family and dance have been the most common themes that i’ve found in my writing so far. My first essay on vision showed that I value my family heritage and its traditions. The second one on taste showed that I love the beach, and also spending time with my family. My third essay shows that I like to have some routine in my life, and that am a motivated person. This essay also shows that I like to be in a relaxed carefree mood. My fourth essay on touch shows how much I care about the people I love, and the feeling I have when I am hurt by one of them. It also explains my obsession with dance. The word obsession fits; that truly what it is. My fifth essay contains yet again the themes of family and dance, but it also shows that I respect my body and want to keep it and all of my senses in good working order for the rest of my life.
Themes that I have not found much of include my friends and boyfriend. This surprised me because if someone were to ask me what in my life is most important to me, I would probably say my friends, my boyfriend, and my family. I didn’t really write much about my friends, but I did write about dance. The two are connected though, because the people I dance with are my closest friends. I only mentioned my boyfriend twice in my writing- once in a blog, where I really didn’t say much about him, and the other time was in my touch essay. I didn’t elaborate on the situation much in the essay but it was obvious that I was mad at him because of something he had done. I’m suprised that I didn’t write more positive things about him, because we’ve been dating for two years now, and he’s a huge part of my life.
Maybe what I’ve written is showing me who really should be the most important people in my life- my family. While I am still a high school student, and very involved with my friends and boyfriend, they may not be there forever. In about four months it’s a possibility that I may never see the my three best friends from high school again. I’ve realized that friends and boyfriends can come and go but my family is always going to be my family. Through my writing I’ve realized I really do care for my family more than I’ve ever told or showed them that I do.
All of this brings me back to the question: What is I? I am Kelsey Ribblett, a senior at Indiana Senior High school, taking an English 101 course at IUP. The people in my life that are most important to me are my family members. I am proud of my Irish heritage and its traditions. I love the beach and spending time with my family there. I like to be productive without feeling stressed. I feel betrayed when someone I care about hurts me. I have an obsession with dance. I care about my body and want to keep it healthy. I am all of these things but I am also so much more. I cannont be fully aware of everything that I am, have been, and ever will be. However, through this autoethnographic process I have discovered things about myself that I didn’t know before.
